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  • Writer's pictureThe Other Mother

I didn't want to.

This is what I said in our last therapy session. My husband was frustrated. I am living in the guest bedroom and he is in the master and it has now been over a month of us not sharing a space. He stayed up late with me while I worked on my computer and he made me a late night snack. It was so thoughtful of him to do that. He asked me to come and say goodnight before I went to bed.

It was past midnight, and I saw his light was still on.

I chose to go to bed instead.

In therapy he asked why I didn't go up and say good night.

I said I didn't want to.

Why? Why didn't I want to just pop my head up there and say goodnight? Why not give a little bit of kindness in return for his gesture? Out loud, I said, "I didn't see the point."

Really though, I wanted to know if everything was a transaction.

Was every act of kindness only done so I would reciprocate? Was the date night all conditional so I would go back to the master bedroom at the end of the night? How many more acts of kindness, or thoughtful gestures would be given before he gets fed up and decides I'm not worth waiting for?

In our session today, he said out loud, "I won't wait forever." I don't think its fair if I expect him to, but I need to know if this is a new phase of our marriage, or just another section of the roller coaster. I had been patient through his law school, and the multiple bar exams, and the drug addiction, and him returning to school and starting a new career and the financial instability and the constant depression. I had been a bit naggy from time to time, and there were good memories too, but I have been PATIENT as fuck.

Fast forward to an overnight he had planned out for us. It was pretty extensive with a car and a train and a nice hotel with a living room and a bedroom. I made it VERY FUCKING CLEAR that we would not be sleeping together. This was a retreat for us to reconnect in the ways that were more important than sex.

We had a nice dinner, we talked and it got late. He was tired and so was I, but he insisted I should check out the bedroom which was covered in rose petals and an old lingerie from before I had kids which would now only fit around one of my thighs.....

Did he do a lot of work? Yes! Did he ignore my request for a no pressure evening where we could just reconnect? YES!

I said goodnight and slept in the living room area.

The next morning was very quiet. We had several hours of driving to get home and the idea of driving that long in silence made me insane. He only wanted to talk with our counselor present, but I pushed. I wanted to know why he couldn't be satisfied with dating me again so we could be on the same page before returning to that level of intimacy.

He said again, "I wont wait forever."

I think that's what hit me hardest. Maybe I read too many romances, but the correct answer was, "Take all the time you need babe, I'm here for you and I love you."

He needed me to show that I was still interested. That he wasn't trying to woo me when I was too far gone and he should just prepare for the end. And here we are, two idiots waiting for the other to strike first.

We talked for hours and at the end we agreed that staying in separate rooms was the best decision for the time being. We agreed that all was not lost and we still had so much to be thankful for.

But we also agreed that neither of us was giving 100% in this marriage. Granted, we agreed I was giving a hell of a lot more.

He felt I put everything else before him, WHICH WAS TRUE BECASUE HE WASANT DOING HIS PART TO TAKE SHIT OFF MY PLATE! Sorry for yelling.

Yes, if he can support our family in the ways he is supposed to, then I WILL have energy to meet his needs as well.

He is afraid that if I enjoy my independence too much, that I wont want to be married anymore. He is right. Marriage has to happen between two whole functioning people, or it wont work.

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